Chapter 35 - An American Flavour

As far as I was concerned, this shit had already blown up in my face and I was relieved, a few days later when I was back in Rimouski. Though I was back, Sidney wasn’t, and the Ocèanics were on their way home, but not there yet. The team had been down in the US, playing two game set against Lewiston, while Sidney had gone home to Halifax to be with his family for a few days.
No, he hadn’t invited me to join him. That night in my hotel suite in Finland, we’d argued furiously and then we’d both gotten extremely drunk. Well, at least I think that we both did. I know for a fact that I did… I’m not so sure about Sidney. For all I know, he may have even left, he was that upset with me and I was that angry with him.
Either way, as soon as I’d gotten back to Rimouski, I’d made my decision. It hadn’t been an easy decision to make, but I realized as Sidney and I stood in my hotel suite yelling at each other that I had to do what was best for me. I couldn’t worry about Sidney anymore.
I was packing. I was going to go and visit my Dad in London. Then I was going to go and spend some time with Zach in Grand Forks. Before I did, I’d have to throw one hell of a party to say goodbye to Mark, Danny, Patrick, Cèdrick and Alex. I couldn’t just leave without making sure that everyone in town remembered that I’d been there.
Part of me missed Sidney while I packed, and part of me worried about him. What was he going to do without me? What was I going to do without him? Ever since I’d met him at Shattuck’s I’d always felt as though we needed each other. That I needed him as much as he needed me.
Maybe that changed. Maybe he didn’t need me anymore. Maybe that’s what… I don’t know, let him cheat on me. Ever since I’d come here things hadn’t been right between us. If Sidney didn’t need me anymore, then I couldn’t depend on him anymore.
The fact of the matter was he hadn’t been very dependable since I’d been here. So I was leaving. I couldn’t be here anymore. I’d felt like Sidney and I had just connected that first day that we’d met… it wasn’t a feeling that I was likely to forget any time soon.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t feel that connection anymore. I would always remember what it had felt like, but I just didn’t feel it when I looked at him anymore. We’d both changed too much. The things that had happened had impacted us in dramatically different ways. It had changed us in dramatically different ways.
I was in the middle of packing a box of books when I heard a pounding on my door. With a sigh I dusted off my knees and stood. I wasn’t surprised to see Mark, Danny and Patrick at the door. “Hi.” I said quietly, seeing the outraged looks on their faces. “Come on in.”
“When were you going to tell us?” Danny demanded immediately.
“At the party….” I told them with a bit of a shrug. “I’m throwing one Sunday after the Chicoutimi game… kind of a farewell party for myself.”
“Why?” Mark demanded.
“Well, umm, because things just aren’t working out between Sidney and I.” I told them with another shrug. “He’s the reason I came here. Without him, well… I don’t really belong here Mark.”
“Why do this because of Sidney?” Danny demanded angrily. “Because you shouldn’t just up and leave because he’s an asshole.”
I shrugged. “In part its because of him Danny, I’m not going to lie. But its not all about him, its partly because of myself.”
“I just don’t get it Kally.” Mark said, shaking his head. “I thought you liked being here. I thought you liked us. At least enough to tell us that you were thinking about leaving. What the hell happened in Finland?”
I sighed. “A lot.” I told them honestly, watching Patrick carefully. I wasn’t sure how much of this he actually understood. He had learned to speak a lot more English since we first started hanging out.
“Tell us.” Patrick commanded.
“I’m not pregnant.” I told them. “And I found out that Sidney cheated on me.”
“Who told you?” Danny asked, looking at Patrick and Mark suspiciously, actually all three of the guys were looking at each other suspiciously.
“Nobody told me Dan.” I said with a little smile at the guys’ obvious confusion. “I figured it out on my own.”
“You figured it out?” Danny repeated, his eyebrows raised.
“I figured it out.” I confirmed. “It was something that one of the guys said in the locker room. Something just clicked in my brain and I confronted Sid. He figured that one of you had told me too.”
“Who?” Mark demanded, sounding concerned, giving me the impression that a lot more people knew about this then I originally thought.
“Ryan Getzlaf.” I told him. “He was confused when we met, because I was introduced by a Team Canada exec, then someone said that I was Sidney’s girlfriend. We were joking about that and something just clicked in my head.”
“Does he know you’re leaving?” Danny asked.
I shook my head. “There’s no point in telling him Danny.” I said, putting another book in the box. “We still love each other, and if I tell him, he’ll feel obligated to try and convince me to stay.”
“If you still love each other….” Mark said, looking adorably confused. “Why on earth are you leaving?”
“Because things have changed… we’ve changed.” I told him, shrugging again. “We’ve both changed. The connection we had when we met at Shattuck’s is gone, even though we still love each.”
“So you’re just going to leave?” Mark demanded, his hands on his hips. “Without saying goodbye? How are we going to explain that?”
“Who says that you have to explain anything?” I asked, shrugging again. “I’m going to be here through the Chicoutimi game… maybe even a couple of more, depending on how quickly I can get packed.”
“Why are you packing?” Danny asked, looking adorably confused. “You didn’t unpack for yourself.” He pointed out.
I shrugged again. It was almost an automatic motion now. “I did say I’d changed.” I pointed out. “I realized when I was in Finland that I had to do things for myself… I can’t always depend on others.”
Danny immediately wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. “Just don’t start trying to do everything on your own Princesse.” He whispered into my hair, dropping a soft kiss on the top of my head. “Remember that you still have people in your life that you can depend on if you have to.”
He held onto me for just a second too long. When he let go of me, Mark smiled at us brightly – too brightly, as he rolled up his sleeves when Danny let me go. “Well?” He asked. “What can we do to help?”
I smiled, feeling relieved. “Thanks guys.” I said. “If you guys could keep packing up the books, I’ll get the bubble wrap and start with some of the ornamental stuff.”
So we packed. The guys came over every day for the next several days – not always the same guys mind you, but someone was always there, to help me finish my packing. They also let me know the next day that Sidney was back with the team and would be playing the next night against Chicoutimi.
But he didn’t come to see me. Not that I really expected him to. Even though Sidney and I didn’t have that… connection that we once had, I still knew him better than anyone else. I’d sold my season tickets to a girl I knew from school for an incredibly reduced price, but I kept the ticket to the Chicoutimi game.
Before the game I sat around listening to some of my favourite girl power music… I was singing along to Keri Noble’s “I Won’t” when the door to my place opened. I was singing at the top of my lungs and I turned, embarrassed. Sidney was standing there, watching me, his key in hand.
“Hi.” He said, sounding as embarrassed as I felt.
“Hi.” I replied, sure that I was beet red.
“I heard you were moving.” He said, clearly uncomfortable. “I thought that you’d probably want this back before you went.” He told me, offering me his key.
I took it from him, very aware that I was probably still blushing. “Thanks.”
We stood around in awkward silence for a few moments, trying to look at each when the other wasn’t looking. “So when were you going to tell me?” Sidney asked, his voice angry, but controlled. “After the game? Or was I just supposed to show up here one day and you’d be gone?”
I shrugged. I actually hadn’t really thought about it. “I forgot you still had the key.” I told him honestly. “And I figured that Danny or one of the other guys would tell you.”
“They did.” Sidney said, the anger still in his voice.
We stood there in silence again. We had nothing to say to each other anymore. Or maybe we had too much to say to each other and we just didn’t want to get into it. If we got into it, I knew that we’d get into it.
“See you later.” Sidney said after awhile, looking like he wanted to do nothing more then flee, not that I could blame him, because I wasn’t exactly in the mood to stand there and stare at nothing either. I had shit to do.
“Yeah, later.” I said, watching him leave.
I turned away with a relieved sigh as he left. It was as if one door of my life was closing. I wiped away the few tears I allowed myself to shed. I’d cried over him enough. I was tired of crying. Besides… when God closes a door, he always opens a window. I just had to find it.
I sighed. When Sidney and I met, I knew that we were connected, but I’d never imagined that we’d end up together. Or that we’d then end up apart like this. I’d never imagined any of this happening.
Later that night my house was open for one last wild party. Of course, everyone came… except Sidney and the guys that he hung out with the most. And everyone got thoroughly drunk. Except for me. I had to fly out the next day and being hung-over on a plane is never, ever fun, trust me.
It was weird, the more I thought about it. I’d actually been part of a relationship. It was different from being someone’s fuck buddy or even from just being the girl who played all the guys. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do now.
Since I’d met Sidney I’d treated myself with a lot more respect – there was something about him that made me want to respect myself more. I’d treated myself with more respect. I’d slept with fewer people.
But he wasn’t going to be part of my life now. That much was clear. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to go back to fucking and chucking? Did I try to get myself in another relationship? Was there even another guy out there who was special enough to be worth my time?
I’d always known that Sidney was special. I just wasn’t sure that I’d be able to find someone as special as he was. I mean, I’d always known that it would take a special guy to be with me… and Sidney had managed, until we’d both changed.
I was going to miss him. I was going to miss being his girl, and the special protected feeling that that gave me. I was going to miss Danny, Mark, Patrick, Cèdrick and Alex. I was even going to miss some of the girls that I went to school with.
But I couldn’t stay in Rimouski and be happy. I couldn’t be so close to him and not be with him, even if our connection wasn’t the same as it once was. I was feeling a little lost as I boarded my Dad’s private plane. There was a whole world out there, waiting for me… I just wasn’t sure how I was going to face it without Sidney by my side.