Chapter 43 - How I Spent My Summer Vacation

For another week, I hibernated in the basement, coming out only to eat when I was extremely hungry. With Mark gone, I didn’t see anyone, not even Michelle or B, who came by a few times, but I always sent her away. I just… I didn’t know what to do, and I wasn’t sleeping again.
It wasn’t only that I wasn’t sleeping again though. It was something that Trina Crosby had told me when we were talking about my family and about how I didn’t have one anymore. She’d told me that I’d made one for myself out in Rimouski and now I was feeling as if that family was crumbling.

I wasn’t sure that Sidney wanted to be part of my family anymore, and Mark was gone, Eric was gone, Danny was gone. It was just me, Michelle and B whenever I could get myself out of my pout long enough to do anything. The family just wasn’t the same without the boys. I mean, I would have settled for one of the Guilluames or Patrick at this point.

Unfortunately all of this thinking was leading to decision making… and I’d discovered a long time ago that decision making is really hard when you’re exhausted. When you both emotionally AND physically drained it was even harder. Any decision I made during this time wasn’t exactly going to be my most intelligent. Except, well I still had decisions that I had to make.

And one night, at 10:00 pm, I made a decision that probably wasn’t the smartest decision I’d ever made. Especially when you consider the fact that I had been up for the past three nights, balling my eyes out. The fact of the matter was, whether I liked it or not, I missed him. I missed being with him. I missed the way he smiled at me. I missed the cocky grin he got on his face after we had sex. I missed being held by him.

I just plain missed him and it no longer seemed to mattered that we’d left each other in anger. I just needed to see him again. I needed to look him in the eyes and hear from his lips, in his voice, that what had happened between us was no longer relevant, that we were over. I needed that closure in order to move on with my life. The only person who could give me that closure was Sid.

So I knew what I had to do. I got in the car and drove. And I drove and I drove. I was both thankful and grateful for my Dad’s Petro Pass when I realized I needed gas at 3 AM as I drove through rural New Brunswick. I was so exhausted that I was scared that I was going to fall asleep at the wheel, but I just couldn’t stop. I had to keep going. I had to see Sidney.

Around 5:30 in the morning I pulled up to Crosby house. I was completely and thoroughly exhausted. There was no sign of movement in the house (obviously, it was still pretty much the middle of the night) so I just sat there. I turned my car off, and sat there, watching the house and feeling like a stalker, even though I wasn’t one.

It was then that the thought crossed my mind. What if Sidney did think I was a stalker? I mean, just showing up at his house like that. Mark might have had all the faith in the world in the fact that Sid and I would get back together, but, well I wasn’t there… I didn’t believe it. Maybe me coming here would just creep Sidney out more.

I sighed. I was just worrying to be worrying right now, and all of a sudden I knew it. Sidney had brought me here once before. He would understand why I’d come, even if he wasn’t pleased that I’d done it. With that in mind, I reached into the back seat and pulled the blanket over me, suddenly feeling like I could sleep.

Except, of course, I couldn’t. I lay there watching and waiting. Hoping for some sign of life in the Crosby household. I may have dozed off every now and then, but all I wanted to do was knock on that door and see Sidney. I needed to look him in the eye. I needed that.

It wasn’t until about 8:30 that I saw Trina open the front door to get the morning paper. She glanced curiously at my car across the street, but I don’t think that she could see me. I moaned. I was sure that I looked awful. I know I felt awful. I’d been crying through most of the drive. I put the blanket back in the back seat adjusted my messy ponytail and crossed the street.

I needed to take a deep breath to get me moving up the walk and another to get me to climb the steps then I needed a third to get me to knock. I hoped that Trina was nearby because I didn’t want to have to answer the door. To both my horror and my joy, Taylor opened the door. She broke out in a wide grin, so much like Sidney’s that it brought tears to my eyes.

“Nickie!” She cried opening the door and hugging me. Then she turned. “Mommy! Go wake up Sidney! Nickie’s here!”

If Taylor was excited to see me (and that was probably quite the understatement) then Trina was definitely surprised. Trina walked out of the kitchen. She took one look at me and turning to Taylor saying. “Taylor go back to your cartoons sweetie please. Don’t go wake Sidney yet. I need to talk to Nickie first.” She turned back to me. “Nickie, honey are you alright sweetheart? You look like you haven’t slept in weeks!”

“I haven’t.” I replied honestly, crumpling, suddenly feeling so completely exhausted that I could have fallen asleep where I stood. “I don’t know if Sidney told you guys….”

Trina nodded. “He didn’t give us details, he just told us that you two had had an argument and had broken up.” She told me. “I’m sure he’d be upset with me for saying this, but he hasn’t exactly been happy since he’s come home Nickie.”

“This is going to sound really cruel Mrs. Crosby.” I said as I accepted the seat that she offered me at the kitchen table. “But I’m glad. My life is completely ruined. Mark’s gone. Danny’s gone. Michelle and B are busy with school. Sidney’s gone, and my Dad suddenly decided that I need to go to the Ranch in August and then I’m going back to school in Airdrie. I don’t want to go back to school in Airdrie Mrs. Crosby. I want to stay in Rimouski.”

Trina reached up and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “You really haven’t slept in weeks Nickie?” She asked again.

“No.” I replied, shaking my head. “It’s not something I did often, even when things were going well.”

“Well I can’t solve all of your problems right now.” She said, with a small smile. “For one thing, I need to talk to Troy first. And I think you need to talk to Sidney first.”

I nearly panicked. “Mrs. Crosby, maybe this was a bad idea, Tante Amèlie doesn’t know where I am, I don’t think I bothered to leave a note or anything like that, I just kind of took off last night. Maybe I should just go home.”

“That won’t solve anything Nicole.” Trina pointed out with infuriatingly good logic. “And right now the first thing that you need to do before you can do anything else is sleep.” She said firmly. She took one look at me and said. “No buts Nicole. Come with me.”

With that, she led me straight to the guest bedroom I’d stayed in the last time I was in the Crosby’s house. She handed me the pillow, and took my purse. “Go to sleep Nickie.” She said firmly. “You need to sleep.”

And as soon as my head hit the pillow that’s exactly what I did. I slept. And I slept. It was a completely dreamless sleep, the kind you sleep when you’re really passed out, or when you’re complete and totally exhausted. I shouldn’t have driven, but now that I was here, I was relaxed for the first time since the playoffs started.

That comfort actually lasted for a good 10 hours. It was around 7:00 that night when I first started to wake up. You know how you can feel someone looking at you? Well even though I was still half asleep, I could tell that someone else was in the room looking at me. I rolled over slightly and opened my eyes slightly.

Sidney was sitting in a chair, watching me sleep. How long he’d been there was well, anyone’s guess so to speak. For all I knew he’d been there since I’d gotten there. I peaked at the clock. I knew it was dusk or dawn, one or the other, from the slight light that was streaming in through the windows.

“Brat?” Sidney’s voice whispered softly, since he could clearly tell that I was beginning to wake up.

I sat up straight. “What did you just call me?” I asked, searching Sidney’s face, unable to believe that he called me brat.

“We need to talk brat.” Sidney said softly, his eyes searching my face in the exact same way that mine where searching his.

“I know.” I said with a sigh, suddenly feeling very dirty. “But can I please have a shower first?” I asked. “I’m not trying to put this off or anything I promise.”

“I know you’re not Nickie.” Sidney said slowly and softly, as though he were trying to make sure that every word he said was said in just the right tone. “I know how you like to be clean.” He said with a small smile. “You remember where the bathroom is right?”

So I went and had my shower. I really didn’t want to put off talking to Sidney, but as I let the hot water slice over my body, I realized that I needed this time. I needed to think with a clear head and this was the first time that I’d been able to think clearly. Sleep will do that to a person I guess.

I thought over my encounter with Sidney as I washed my hair. There had been something in the way that he looked at me that reminded me of the way he used to look at me. If he was looking at me the way he used to, if I was right, then I felt as if everything was going to be okay. It was just a matter of time.

Feeling both rested and clean, and overall a lot better, I got dressed. Sidney wasn’t in my bedroom, or in the living room or kitchen with his family, so really that left me with only one place to look. Feeling slightly apprehensive, I headed downstairs to see if he was in the basement.

That’s exactly where he was of course, shooting pucks against the dryer that looked as though it had been hit several dozen times. There he is, fooling around with the puck. He almost looks like he’s nervous, because he’s having a really hard time keeping the puck bouncing on his stick.

It’s actually kind of cute and endearing in a way, but only if its because he’s worried that I’m about to end things with him for good, and not because he’s about to. I stood where I was, watching him, suddenly worried that maybe this was it. I didn’t want it to be it. I wanted to take him home with me. I wanted him to meet my friends. I wanted to meet more of his. I just wanted him to be in my life longer, and I wanted to continue to be a part of his.

I moved slowly down the stairs. Sidney heard the stairs creek and turned. Our eyes met, and I couldn’t help myself. I moved down the stairs and straight into his arms. I needed to hug him and hold him. I need to be wrapped in his warmth and to feel his strong arms around me. I need to be wrapped in him again.

Sidney steps slowly towards the stairs as I make my way to the bottom. Before I can even hit the bottom step, he catches me up in his strong arms, and I find myself caught up in the best hug ever.

The hug says more then words have thus far. It tells me that Mark was right. Sidney and I really do have something that’s worth saving. And I just hope that Sidney feels the same way about things as I do. Because no matter what, I still love him. He was a jerk and I was a bitch and maybe we both need to deal with some stuff.

But if we can do that. If we can talk things out and if we can be totally honest with each other then maybe, just maybe we’ll be able to keep this going. Even if we decide that we can’t keep this thing going, well then maybe we’ll be able to be friends.

Maybe I realized this on the drive, or as I sat outside his house, or maybe I realized it the minute he called me brat, or maybe it was in the shower, or maybe, just maybe it was when he hugged me back…. I don’t really know. All I know is that I realized that if I couldn’t be his girlfriend then more then anything in the world, I wanted to be his friend.

I hugged Sidney tighter, thrilled when he hugged me back. I wasn’t sure of what to expect when I got in my car the night before. In fact, I wasn’t really sure that I could or should expect anything. His hand reached up and he gently stroked my hair with his hand. I closed my eyes. I was at home. I was back where I belonged.

I guess Sidney felt that way too. Or at least, I was assuming he did, because we just stayed where we were. We held each other tight and Sidney continued to stroke my hair softly with his hand. Finally, after what seemed like mere moments but was in reality probably more like ten minutes, Sidney sighed and kissed me softly on the top of my head.

“Why did you come Nickie?” He asked softly, still holding me. “Why are you here?”