Thursday, April 24, 2008

Chapter 39 - How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Sidney and I didn’t really talk much for the next couple of days. It was definitely not very much fun. We were around each other… I still spent every night sleeping at his place, but we weren’t really talking about anything. It was frustrating and annoying.

Then Thursday night, the night before the semi-final round against Moncton was set to begin, Sidney and Eric were in living room watching film and I was sitting in the kitchen doing more math homework. It had basically been like that all week. I’d do homework and they would watch film. This night was different, however.

Every time I looked up at Sidney, he was looking back at me, where as most of the week he’d been giving me the cold shoulder to say the very least. We’d slept in the same bed, but he always had his back turned. In fact, I was getting just about as little sleep as I had been before, when we’d been sleeping in separate beds.

I would wake, most nights around 1 or 2 depending on when we went to sleep and I would crawl out onto the couch, so I wouldn’t wake Sid and I’d watch the morning loop on TSN or Sportsnet or something. He or Eric would get up later, and stumble for the coffee I’d made earlier.

He always kissed me though. Just on the forehead and first thing in the morning, but a day didn’t go by without Sidney kissing me once. It was almost how I knew that everything was going to be all right, even if we were upset with each other right now.

Part of the problem for me was that I wasn’t even sure what had Sidney so upset with me. I mean, was he really this angry that I’d hit Claire? Did he actually like her that much? Or was it because I’d embarrassed him in front of the guys by demanding he come with me?

That was Mark’s theory on it at least. See I usually went home after the boys got up and after I got my kiss. However, tonight, like I said, Sidney was watching me when I was watching him. Finally, I guess he couldn’t take it anymore. He headed into the kitchen to get a Gatorade and he put his hand on mine.

“Come here.” He growled pulling my body to his, his voice low and sexy.

Our lips met in a passionate kiss. “I love you Crosby.” I muttered as he pulled back. “And I’m sorry if I was a bitch. I just worry about what’s going to happen when I move back to Alberta, and its going to happen. My parents won’t be able to keep me away for more then a year. I don’t want you to leave me Sidney.”

He smoothed my hair softly. “It’s okay brat.” He whispered softly. “I worry about it too. I worry about not being strong enough for you, and I know that you need me to be strong.”

“I need you Sidney, I’m not going to lie.” I said with a sigh. “But I want you to need me too.” I told him. “I’m scared that you don’t need me, but I need you and that when I leave, you’re going to realize that you don’t need me… that someone else will do for you and since I’m gone, you’ll take what’s here over what’s on the other side of the country.”

He hugged me tight. “I love you Nicole. Distance is not going to change that.” He told me softly. “I promise.”

“Don’t make promises that you don’t know you can keep Sidney please.” I whispered. “I know you’ve got good intentions but the road to hell is paved in good intentions.”

He nodded and kept hugging me. “You’re my heart Nickie.” He told me. “Never worry about that.” He paused. “Come watch with us.”

I smiled and headed with him into the living room where he pulled me down onto his lap. “What do you think of Moncton?” I asked.

“They’re going to play tough.” Eric said.

“They’ve played tough all season.” Sidney added. “But we can beat them.”

I nodded cuddling closer to Sidney. I loved him, and I knew just how much he loved me, but that didn’t mean that I knew he could keep all the promises he’d made. I mean, Coby hadn’t even been able to come see me off, but then, he’d never promised that he’d see me through everything.

As I cuddled into his arms, I fell asleep. Even as I drifted off, I knew that I was going to have to find some way to sleep without him, because with all likelihood, I wasn’t going to be with him for forever. Not the way that I had thought we would, but maybe… just maybe, we could always be friends.

“Nickie sweetie….” Sidney’s voice whispered softly into my ear some time later.

I moaned slightly and stretched, clinging to him tightly. “I don’t wanna get up.” I mumbled sleepily.

I heard Sidney and Eric chuckle. “Will you at least come to bed?” Sidney asked.

“Don’t wanna move.” I replied, burying my face into his stomach.

“Come on brat….” Sidney said, trying to move out from under me. “I’ll even carry you… just come to bed.”

“Umm…” I mumbled, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Only if you carry me.”

Sidney and Eric both chuckled. “Of course I’ll carry you brat.” Sidney said, as he rose, me in his arms.

He carried me easily, dropping me softly on the bed. I yawned broadly. “You’re coming to bed too?” I asked, rolling over and peeling off my shirt.

“Do you want me too?” He asked teasingly, peeling his shirt off.

“Maybe.” I said teasingly with a shrug.

“You want me….” He replied slowly as he kissed and licked at my neck.

I giggled… his tongue was tickling me. I reached down and squeezed gently. “You want me too phenom.” I replied, my tongue darting out of my mouth.

“We want each other.” He replied as he crawled into bed with me. “And we need each other. Never forget that Nickie.”

So we made love for the first time in quite some time. Sidney was just as tender and loving as he had always been and it left me laying awake afterwards, wondering if I had overreacted to Claire and her comments. I mean, she was probably voicing my deepest fears about next year.

She had every right to voice those sentiments. I mean, she did like my boyfriend a lot more than she probably should have, but she wouldn’t be the last girl to feel that way about Sidney, not that I could really blame any girl for liking Sidney…. He was definitely worth liking. A lot worthier of it then some of the guys that I’d liked in the past in fact.

I lay next to Sidney for a long time, watching him sleep. Somehow, watching him laying there, fast asleep, looking so damned young and innocent made me feel unworthy somehow. As though I wasn’t worth his time or his energy. He was truly special, and I knew that I wasn’t quite special enough.

He deserved better. He deserved someone who wasn’t jealous. Someone who wasn’t going to lose her temper when someone questioned the strength of their relationship. He deserved someone who was confident, and I simply wasn’t.

It didn’t matter how many times he told me that he loved me. It didn’t matter how often he did the little things that made me feel so special. He couldn’t change who and what I was and he couldn’t change the fact that I wasn’t worth it. I just wasn’t.

Whenever I’d made out with some random guy in the past, I’d listened to all the sugary sweet things they’d said in the hopes of getting in my pants. I knew full well not to believe a word that they said, but at the same time, I’d been hoping that there was some little grain of truth in what they said.

And I was always disappointed when there wasn’t. Yet here I was, with a guy who hadn’t fed me a line to get in my pants. I was with THE ONE, the one who I’d actually allowed to succeed, and I felt completely worthless, because I knew now that I had found what I had been looking for that there was a reason I hadn’t found it before….

I didn’t deserve it. The guys I’d been with before… that’s what I deserved. That’s what I was worthy of. Sidney needed better then that. He needed someone who wouldn’t be jealous, someone who would love him quietly. Maybe Claire was that girl. Maybe she wasn’t.

I didn’t really know. All I knew was that I wasn’t that girl. I couldn’t love someone quietly. I loved Sidney loudly and fiercely and I loved him with everything that I had. That might fly right now, when we saw each other every day, but I knew full well that while I trusted him, I would always be jealous of those girls who got to see him more often then I did.

I sighed and moved his arm off my body. I couldn’t stay here anymore. I knew that with everything that was in me as tears rolled silently down my cheeks. I wouldn’t let Sidney see me crying over him. I had to keep my dignity after all…. I felt as though that was all I had left, since I’d given him so much more then I had intended.

All I’d wanted was to catch the phenom, chew him up and spit him out the way I always did. I’d forgotten myself, and I’d fallen in way too deep. This had never happened to me before… I’d always managed to do what I had to do to protect myself… in fact, since watching my parents destroy themselves and each other since Frankie’s death, it had been my number one concern.

Yet here I was, watching a boy sleep, thinking that he was the most beautiful person I had ever met knowing full well that I didn’t deserve him. I tried to crawl out of bed as quietly as I could, but unfortunately, since being with me, Sidney had become a really light sleeper. “Where are you going Nickie?” He asked, his eyes opening the minute my weight was no longer on the mattress next to him.

“Home to Tante Amèlie’s.” I replied in a whisper.

“Why?” He asked, looking tired young and confused. “She doesn’t ever notice when you don’t come home.”

“I just need to leave.” I said uncomfortably, not sure how to break the news that I wasn’t worthy to him.

“You know you aren’t going to get any sleep if you go back to your Aunt’s.” Sidney pointed out annoyingly, his arm snaking out to reach for me. “Come on Nickie… come back to bed brat.” He whispered, his hand pulling me back into the bed.

“Sidney I can’t.” I whispered hoarsely. “If we keep doing this, the inevitable is going to be even more painful then it already will be.”

“What inevitable?” Sidney asked, as he pulled me back into his arms.

I told myself to pull away. I really did. But there was something magnetic about him. We were totally different… from the way we’d be raised to the way we were now, yet somehow there was this deep connection between us, and as much as I wanted to, I simply couldn’t resist it. I couldn’t fight it.

I sighed. “The inevitable phenom.” I whispered. “I am going to leave at the end of the year… I know I will. I know my parents haven’t bothered to tell me yet or anything like that, but I know, deep down, that that’s what’s going to happen. Then we’ll have to say goodbye.”

“And I keep telling you that we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” Sidney replied, hugging me close, his arms tightening protectively around my body. “We aren’t there yet Nickie… there is no use borrowing trouble. It will only keep you awake at night.”

I sighed. “It already does Sidney.” I said softly, my fingers moving lightly up and down his forearms.

“And it shouldn’t.” Sidney replied firmly, sealing his words with a firm kiss on my lips. “So come back to bed, and go to sleep. We’ve got another series to go, and I need you Nickie, no matter what you think.”

“I need you too.” I whispered softly into his chest as he stroked my hair. “And maybe we need each other too much.”

“There’s no maybe about it brat.” Sidney replied emotion raw in his voice. “We do need each other too much.”

“And that’s what scares me phenom.” I told him, pressing soft kisses on his chest. “The fact that eventually, we aren’t going to be able to rely on each other the way we do now.”

“It scares me too Nickie.” He told me, his eyes burning into mine. “But if we spend too much time thinking about what’s going to happen, we won’t enjoy the time that we have left.” He pointed out as he rolled us over so that I was lying underneath him. His lips trailed a line of hot kissed down my neck. “And I want to enjoy every moment that we have left.”

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