Friday, April 25, 2008

Chapter 41 - How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I woke up the next morning when someone… or rather two someone’s were arguing at the top of the stairs. Bleary eyed, I forced myself to get up. The last time I’d looked at my alarm clock it was 3:52. The clock now read 9:22. I moaned, grabbed Sid’s Nics sweats from the floor.

As I pulled them on, I made my way upstairs. Sidney and Mark were the ones arguing. “What the fuck is going on here?” I demanded angrily. “I’d been sleep for like, five and a half hours, and you guys fuck that up?”

“Where the hell were you last night Nickie?” Sidney demanded, looking and sounding as if he was still completely wasted.

“I was in and out.” I said shrugging. “I brought all the alcohol like you asked and almost immediately, Dany R. asked me to take one of the Guillaumes home because he was way too wasted to be at the party anymore. Then I came back and I spent most of the night shuttling people places because I was the only sober person there.”

“Why didn’t you come spend any time with me?” He asked petulantly, sounding like a child.

“I came and in and you were so fucking busy with your drinking game that all you did was wave.” I replied.

“I told you man, you were a fucking asshole last night.” Mark said, running a hand through his hair. “You treated Nickie like crap.”

“Fuck you Tobin.” Sidney replied.

I was feeling tired, cranky and irritated and I was REALLY tempted to tell him that that’s what he had told me to do, but I didn’t want this argument to get any worse. In fact, my personal goal was for things to get better, not worse. So I sighed deeply and said. “Mark, hun that’s not helping.”

“Nothing he’s been doing lately has been helping either Nickie.” Mark snapped.

“Mark please….” I said, looking up at him. “I mean, I just, Sidney and I, we need….” I trailed off, feeling completely flustered by the look Sidney was giving me.

“Fine.” Mark snapped. “I’ll leave you too alone, but when he starts acting like an asshole then I want you to yell for me so I can kick his ass out.”

I sighed as Sidney snapped. “Who says I am going to start acting like an asshole?” He demanded.

Mark shrugged as he walked downstairs. “Your history does man… you always do, and Nickie hasn’t done anything to deserve it.”

I sighed. “Come to the kitchen.” I said, rolling my head slightly, realizing that my neck was aching. “Please.” I added as an after thought.

“Can I have a glass of water?” He asked plaintively, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“Yeah sure.” I said, opening a cupboard.

I poured him a glass of water and handed it to him. We sat at the kitchen table in silence as Sidney drank the water and reached for the pitcher to pour himself another glass. I was all too familiar with this particular stage of a hang over. “Slow down Sid.” I said as he downed the second glass. “You don’t want to puke.”

“Why do you care?” He demanded. “You weren’t there for me last night Nickie and I needed you.”

“You needed me?” I snorted. “You barely knew that I was there when I was there.”

“I knew when you were there Nickie.” He informed. “And yeah, I drank more then I probably should have, but you of all people have to understand that every now and then you just need to get wasted and forget.”

I sighed. He totally had me there. There were times when I drank to forget things. In fact, there were times when everyone I knew drank to forget. “I know you did phenom and I don’t blame you for that or anything.”

“Then why did you leave?” He asked.

“You mean you seriously don’t remember?” I asked.

“No.” He said. “I remember that you were there and I do remember kissing you but that’s about it.” He paused and sighed, running a hand through his messy hair. “I had a lot to drink last night Nick.”

“I couldn’t tell.” I said dryly.

“But why did you leave?” He asked again.

I looked at him. He looked so young when he was hung over. To make matters worse he sounded so much like a little boy when he asked me why I left that I was tempted to lie to him, so that I didn’t have to be the one to tell him the truth. The other part of me was tempted to get Mark to tell him, because at least, if Mark told him, I wouldn’t have to be there to see the hurt in his eyes.

But I couldn’t do that. He’d forgotten the hurt that had been in my eyes the night before because, well he didn’t even know what he’d said. I knew then that even though Sidney and I had talked to about the future that I needed to face the fact that there really isn’t going to be one for us. We’d made some unrealistic plans for the future.

I sighed again. “Sidney you have absolutely no idea what you said to me last night at all do you?” I asked, because, well he’d repeated his question, so I felt that I had the right to repeat mine.

“Is what I said to you the reason you left?” Sidney demanded.

“Yes.” I said, simply. “In fact, I left in tears. That’s why Mark was trying to keep you out this morning.”

“Oh God, Nickie, I am so, so sorry brat, for whatever it was.” Sidney replied.

“Don’t you even want to know what happened?” I asked, trying as hard as I could not to cry, because the truth was, even thinking about it made me upset.

“I think the more important question is do you want to tell me?” Sidney asked, reaching across the table to hold one of my hands in his.

I pulled my hand away from his… if I let him hold my hand, or if I looked into his eyes, I’d be lost. At this point, knowing that there were bridges coming that we weren’t going to be able to cross, I didn’t want to give myself anymore hope that we could. “You didn’t talk to me all night.” I told him.

“You already said that.” Sidney informed me. “But I kissed you, and you left because of something I said, not something I did.”

“Let me finish.” I snapped, feeling cranky. “You waved at me the first time and then ignored me the rest of the night. Mark was stoned out of his mind and starring at the lava lamp trying to figure out how it worked and he didn’t want to leave when I decided it was time to go home around 2. I was tired of being ignored and tired of being used as everyone’s DD, and I just wanted to go to bed.”

I sighed as I continued. “I was angry at Mark so I made my way to the bathroom and I brushed past you on my way there.” I told him, my voice surprisingly steady and calm, because my heart was beating wildly. “You grabbed me, kissed me and then said we should go to bed. I pointed out that your parents were at your place and you were groping me and I said I just wanted to go home and go to bed."

“Oh my God, I didn’t… I mean, I couldn’t….” Sidney buried his face in his hands, unable to continue, or even really contemplate what he was thinking about anymore.

“No, you didn’t.” I said reaching for his hands and gently squeezing his hands in mine. “Don’t worry about that.”

“Oh thank God.” He whispered, reaching for me. “Nickie, brat, I….”

“Please let me finish Sid….” I said, taking a deep breath. “You were kissing me and groping me and I told you that I was going home. You told me to go fuck Mark for all you cared.”

“Nickie I’m sorry.” Sidney replied, his voice little more then a whisper.

“You should be.” I snapped. “I haven’t looked at another guy since we met.”

“I know that Nickie.” He replied.

“Then why the fuck would you say something like that to me?” I demanded, finally losing my temper. “I thought you knew me better then that?”

“I was drunk Nickie.” Sidney replied looking ashamed. “I know it’s no excuse, but brat, please.”

I shook my head. “Sidney, look, I know you were drunk and I know that you didn’t mean it, but maybe it was, like a sign.”

“What do you mean a sign?” Sidney demanded looking angry.

“Sidney you didn’t know when I was or wasn’t there.” I explained as patiently as I possibly could. “You didn’t know when I was there, period.”

“I was completely wasted Nickie.” Sidney repeated, as if I hadn’t heard him the first time.

“I know, and maybe there was a reason why.” I said with a sigh. “Maybe Sidney… maybe this is it for us.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He demanded, now sounding angry.

“Maybe we’re being completely unrealistic, talking about crossing bridges when we get there and all that.” I said. “Fuck Sidney, did it never occur to you that we are AT the bridge? That it’s time to decide whether or not we have to cross it? Or how we can cross it? For fuck’s sake, maybe we are already on opposite sides, and we can’t meet in the middle.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Sidney demanded, his eyes wide, as if he was totally not understanding what I was talking about.

I sighed. “I’d like to think that we’re breaking up with each other.” I told him.

“We aren’t.” Sidney snapped. “You are being a bitch who can’t cope with anything that’s hard. Fuck Nicole, you are just like you’re mother you know that?”

I jumped up, furious now. How DARE he talk about my mother that way! How dare he talk about ME that way. “I am not my fucking Mom Sidney, and you fucking know it.”

“You may not be your mother Nicole, but you are just like her.” Sidney replied.

I slammed the pitcher of water down on the table so hard that it broke, spraying water all over the place. “How dare you say that!” I cried, tears now spilling down my cheeks. “I cannot BELIEVE you would say that too me.”

“Well get the fuck over yourself Nicole. You think you’re hot shit, but really you are just like your Mom… or hell, your Dad. You turn tail and run when things get hard.” He told me, his eyes cold. “We knew that this was going to happen and you’re too fucking scared to deal with it, so you’re doing what’s easy and you’re walking away.”

“Easy?” I snapped. “Sidney you think this is fucking easy for me?” I said, the tears rolling down my cheeks. “I love you.”

“But not enough.” Sidney replied his voice angry. “Not enough for you to take a fucking risk.”

“I have taken more risks since we’ve met then I’ve taken since Frankie died thank you very much.” I snapped. “So don’t say I’ve never fucking taken a risk. Loving you was a risk, and its one I’m glad that I’ve taken. But there comes a point when-“

“When what?” Sidney interrupted. “When you have to turn tail and run?” He demanded.

“That is not what I meant Sidney and if you’d fucking let me finish.” I snapped angrily. “I meant that there comes a time when everything ends. Maybe this is our time. Maybe that’s why you didn’t notice whether or not I was at Patrick’s. Because it’s time. Maybe we’ve learned everything we can from each other.”

“And maybe you’re coping out like a little bitch.” Sidney replied. “You could be so much better than this Nickie. But I guess, you’re just like you’re parents.”

“You know Crosby, you said I think I’m hot shit, and yet here you are, judging me, and my family when you have no fucking clue what it’s like.” I snapped. “How the fuck would you feel if Taylor died the way Frankie did?” I demanded, shoving out of the chair and standing. “You don’t know how the fuck you would react because, well, its never happened to you. So don’t fucking tell me that shit about me or my Mom or my Dad. You don’t know them. They suck as parents now, but when I was little, they loved me and Frankie more then anything else, except each other.”

“But they couldn’t handle the death of their son.” Sidney pointed out. “And they ignored their daughter in the process. Now you’re just as bad as they are. You run whenever anything gets too hard. That’s what they’re teaching you, you know, shipping you out here.”

“Fuck you Crosby.” I snapped, feeling completely betrayed. I’d know that this wasn’t going to be easy, but I’d honestly thought that Sidney and I could break up amicably. “I am nothing like either of my parents, because neither of them have loved anyone since Frankie’s death. I had been just like them, but I let myself love you… that’s what sets me apart. Now get the fuck out of here before I start regretting the fact that I am not exactly like my parents. Neither of them have kept anyone this long since Frankie died. Too much risk you know.”

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