Chapter 9-How I Feel

Maddie’s POV
After we’re done shopping, we grab some dinner and when we’re done, Jordan tells me he needs to call Heather and take it easy, so he drops me off at my apartment, and we plan to hang out sometime this week, since he doesn’t have a game until Sunday. I close his car door and head up to my apartment.
When I get up there, I tell Ann and Helen that I found a dress, and they tell me to show it to them. So, I put it on for them and walk back out into the family room. They tell me it’s great and perfect for my dad’s dinner, so I head back into my room and put my regular clothes back on and hang up the dress.
When I walk back out into the family room, Helen asks me how Jordan is.
“He’s fine,” I tell her. Ann and Helen are sitting on the couch and I join them.
“What did he think of your dress? You showed it to him, right?” Helen asks.
“Yeah, he was waiting outside when I tried it on, so I showed it to him. He seemed to like it…a lot.”
“That could be a good sign. Did he say anything about Heather?” Ann asks.
“Um, yeah, he did. He said their fights are getting worse, and that he’s seriously considering breaking it off.
There’s a bit of a pause before Ann asks me a question.
“Are you going to tell him?”
“I don’t know.”
There’s a lull in our conversation, with Ann and Helen looking at each other and rolling their eyes.
“What?” I ask them. “What?”
“Damn it all, Maddie, you should tell him!” Helen tells me in a tone of voice that’s much louder than usual. Helen never raises her voice, ever, so I’m taken aback by this.
“I can’t!” I match the same tone she used to yell at me.
“And why the hell not?” Ann asks.
“He has a fucking girlfriend!”
“They’re fighting! And, do you see her around here anywhere?” Helen asks.
“No,” I hesitantly say.
“You need to tell him. You’ve been moping around here all week while he’s been gone, even though you said you’d try to not think about it. You spend all your time in your room working on homework, which I know you hate doing. You’re not yourself, and you won’t be until you tell Jordan how you feel.”
“But I don’t know how he feels about me!” I tell them. “I’m not risking our friendship; he’s too good of a friend.”
“Well you can’t sit around here and be fucking miserable for the rest of your life,” Ann tells me harshly. “You’re making us fucking miserable too. You’re always happy, and that makes us happy. So when you’re fucking miserable, so are we. Please, tell him.”
I don’t say anything. I get up from the couch, walk into my room, and close the door. I need to talk to my sister.
I call Amy and pray that she answers. She just got back from traveling with the football team and she’s been really busy since her and her boyfriend, Matt (who works for an engineering company downtown) just moved in together last week, but I need her right now.
“Hey, Maddie, what’s up?” she asks.
“I really need to talk to you,” I tell her urgently.
“Okay, about what?” she asks. She sounds concerned.
“Well, you know how I broke up with Ryan?”
“Yeah, that was like two weeks ago. Is he bothering you or something?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s about someone else. I’m in love with someone, and I don’t think he feels the same way back.”
“Okay, hold on one second,” she tells me. She says something to Matt and I can hear her moving away from the noise of their kitchen.
“Okay, I’m all ears,” she says. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“Well, I’m in love with this guy, and I have been since the summer. I’m pretty certain he doesn’t feel the same way about me though.”
“Do I know this guy?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“Is this why you’ve been so unhappy the last little while here?”
“Yes.”
She doesn’t say anything back for a few seconds before she gasps:
“I know who it is. It’s Jordan, isn’t it?”
“How does everyone always guess it without me saying anything?” I yell, and I fall back onto my bed.
“I’m your big sister,” she tells me. “I know these things. Remember we all hung out a couple of weeks ago? I kind of thought there might be something between you two.”
“Well, there’s nothing going on between us, besides the fact that we’re still best friends. I don’t think he feels the way I do.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. I’m pretty good at reading people, Maddie, don’t forget that. I think Jordan likes you too.”
“Yeah, as a friend.”
“No, I think he likes you more than that. Wait a second, what about Heather?”
“They’re fighting. A lot. Like he’s considering breaking up with her because it’s that bad. But while they’re together, I don’t want anything to happen between us. I don’t want to do or say something that could ruin it all. I don’t want to be the ‘other woman.’ Someone did that to me, and I could never do that to someone else.”
“Well, no offense, but that girl, Alyssa, was a total bitch, and Adam was a total asshole at the end.”
“Well, yeah, he cheated on me. With one of my best friends. That would certainly elevate them to bitch and asshole status.”
“I know what you’re trying to do, and where you’re coming from, though,” Amy says. “And it’s admirable. You can’t live in misery though. Eventually, you have to tell him. And you should do it sooner rather than later.”
I don’t say anything for a few seconds, and eventually Amy asks if I’m still there.
“Yeah, I’m here,” I confirm. “I just don’t know what to do with my life. Do I risk our friendship for something that might not even happen?”
“I can’t answer that for you, Maddie. I truly can’t, and I’m sorry, because I’m your big sister and I should have the answers. But that is the one question I can’t answer. Do you want to come over for dinner tomorrow night? We can talk then. I can even kick Matt out if you want me to.”
“No, you don’t have to kick Matt out,” I laugh. “But dinner would be good.”
“Great, then we can catch up and watch Gossip Girl together. This will be easier to talk about in person.”
“Awesome. Thanks Amy, you’re the best.”
“Tell me something I don’t know. Come on over at six.”
“Great, I’ll see you then.”