Chapter 2-How I Feel

I wake up on Friday morning around ten and don’t have Friday class, so I decide to do my laundry. I check my phone after I take a shower, and I see that Ryan texted me, asking me when I want to go out tonight. I tell him to come over around seven, and he tells me we’re going to head out to Robinson for dinner and a movie. Throughout the day, I do my laundry and get most of my homework out of the way before I hang out with my roommates and get ready for my date.
Ryan comes over at seven and we head out to his car and drive out to Robinson for dinner and a movie. A simple date, mainly because he has to go home to Johnstown early in the morning for a family thing. It was kind of awkward, like something just wasn’t right. We get back to my place around midnight, and he walks me up to my apartment.
“Are you okay?” he asks me. “You seem kind of distant.”
Oh shit, he realized it. “No, I’m fine. Just have a lot on my mind.”
He gives me a kiss and then he smiles at me as he leaves. Something is definitely up. When he just kissed me, I didn’t feel anything at all. When we first started dating, I thought there might be a little something there, but lately, with my feelings for Jordan getting stronger, there hasn’t been anything there. I have to talk to my roommates Helen and Ann. Thank God they decided to stay in tonight, after a big night last night.
“Hey you guys,” I say to them as I walk into the apartment, closing and locking the door behind me.
“Hey, how was your date?” Helen asks me. Ann’s in the kitchen.
“Um, okay. I really need to talk to you guys.”
“What about?” Ann asks as she walks into our family room from the kitchen.
“It’s about Ryan, and someone else,” I tell them as I sit down on the couch, sitting in between the two of them.
“Someone else?” they ask me in unison.
“Yeah, but I’m not saying who. Just help me out here.”
“Okay, sure, what’s going on?” Helen asks.
“So, don’t get me wrong, Ryan’s a great guy and everything, but tonight, when he kissed me goodbye, there was just nothing there. There never really has been anything there. He’s nice and all, but I just don’t think that we’re a good couple. I know we haven’t been dating for very long, but I just don’t think there’s anything there.”
“Well, if there’s nothing there,” Ann begins, “then it wouldn’t be fair to him to keep going out, would it?”
“No, I guess not,” I agree. “He’s such a nice guy; I don’t want to hurt him though.”
“I know what you mean, but you can’t lead him on,” Helen tells me. “Break it to him gently though. And not over the phone. Do it when he gets back from Johnstown.”
I tell them that’s a good plan, and as we sit there in silence for a couple of minutes, I think about how I’m going to break up with him.
“Wait!” Helen says kind of loud. “You said you like someone else! Tell us!”
“Shit, I can’t believe I almost forgot to ask you about that,” Ann says. “Tell us!”
I sigh and then decide to give them hints as to who it could be.
“Well,” I begin, “we’ve been friends for awhile now; we’re pretty much best friends. He’s a good guy: funny, polite, hot, the total package. Over the summer, my feelings for him changed. We were just best friends, but when we hung out this summer, it was like my feelings for him changed overnight.”
I pause, making sure they’ve gotten everything I’ve said so far. They nod and tell me to keep going.
“I have no idea if he feels the same way about me though. He has a girlfriend, and I can tell he’s really happy with her. I don’t want to risk our friendship by telling him how I feel though. He’s such a good friend; I don’t want to lose him.”
We sit there for a minute as they digest everything I’ve just said, and they think about it.
“Well,” Helen begins, breaking the silence, “it sounds like you like the guy, and that you are such good friends with him that you don’t want to risk it. You sound like you have it bad though.”
“I do,” I tell her as I nod my head in agreement. “He’s great.”
As Helen and I talk, I notice Ann isn’t saying anything; it just looks like she’s thinking. Then, as Helen and I are talking, she squeals and I jump out of my seat, shocked by her squealing.
“Oh my God!” she screams. “It’s Jordan! You’re in love with Jordan!!”
Helen squeals too as she puts the pieces together. They start asking me a million questions at once.
“You guys!” I yell. “Calm down!”
“Well, are we right?” Ann asks after they calm down.
I put my head in my hands and mumble, “Yes.”
“I knew this would happen!” Ann says excitedly. “I knew it.”
“Maddie, what are you going to do?” Helen asks.
“I have no fucking clue,” I tell her. “Not a clue. I refuse to risk our friendship by telling him how I feel.”
“I don’t blame you. But you can’t go on like this forever either.” Ann puts her hand on my arm to comfort me.
“So, this has been going on since you visited him in July?” Helen asks me.
“Yeah,” I reply.
“You’ve been in total agony for three months? Why the hell didn’t you tell us?” she asks.
“I just couldn’t, I’m sorry. But I haven’t told anyone yet; I’ve only told you guys. I’m dead serious. So do not tell a soul, okay?”
“Wait. You didn’t even tell your sister?” Helen asks incredulously. My sister Amy and I are really tight. She’s twenty-three and she works for the Pitt athletic department. We’ve always been really close and we tell each other everything. But I didn’t even tell her this.
“Nope. Not a soul. So don’t say a word!” I tell them, trying to stress my point.
“I promise,” they reply together.